Moment by moment

I think I've been getting this 'healing' thing all wrong.

I've been looking for a fix. Not necessarily a quick fix - I'm enlightened enough to know good things can sometimes take time - but a fix nonetheless. And definitely a finite moment when everything will be ok and make sense and I will be at peace forever more.

I don't think it works like that.

I've been seriously anxious over the last few days and going round and round inside my head trying to find the right button to press to turn it all off. Following thought patterns like wires to a bomb to desperately defuse it before it explodes. Except all the wires are tangled and dusty and they don't seem to lead to where you might expect and each one gets more knotted and gnarly the more I try and follow it. So, rather than finding the button or the defuser, I've just become tangled in the wires.

Talking helped momentarily - getting the crap out of my head and into the open.

Crying helped momentarily - splurting the briny feelings all over my blotchy face!

And sleep helped momentarily - that blissful few seconds after I woke up.

But nothing stuck, so I pursued the wires again and again, and got tangled again.

Then I sat down in the garden in the sunshine, in a rather uncomfortable cross-legged, and did my 'antar mouna' meditation.

A friend recorded it onto mp3 and sent it to me, so I put my phone by my side and settled as much as I could onto the stone slabs.

If you fancy trying it, it goes something like this...

This is just my short-hand version but I figure it's better than nothing if you feel called to give it a go.

Look around. Just see everything there is to see. Take it all in without judgement. Notice objects and shapes and colours one to the next until you have seen it all. Then close your eyes.

Feel your body. Notice every sensation. Sense where you are hot or cold, tight or relaxed. Again, without judgement just take it all in. Just be in your body and feel how it feels in this moment.

Turn your attention to the sounds and everything going on around you. Notice every sound, loud and soft, far and near, familiar and unfamiliar. Don't listen to any over the next, just let them all come into your ears without any preference or judgement. There are no good or bad sounds. Just sounds. Let them all come into your ears and be aware of everything.

Focus on one sound completely, to the exclusion of all others.

Choose another sound and focus on that completely, to the exclusion of everything else.

Let your awareness pull back to encompass all sounds again, without discrimination.

Now let go of your hearing and notice your breath. Become fascinated by the nature rise and fall of your breath. Inhale and exhale naturally. Don't control it, just become very sensitive to the natural breath in your body until it fills your awareness.

 - If your attention drifts at any time, either your body or your mind, just bring it back gently to the breath or the sounds or wherever you are in the practice, and settle into the total immersion of being in the moment. -

Move from the breath back the sounds for a few moments. And then to the breath. Move between the two for a while, noticing your focus shift and your attention calmly change and settle.

Finish with the breath. Just follow the breath and enjoy the calm feeling of focusing your mind on its steady, natural pattern. You don't have to do anything but be aware. No decision, no thoughts, just mindless awareness.

At the end, cover your eyes gently to warm then and bring yourself back to the space you're in and open your eyes to let the light in slowly.

Namaste. :)

Did the trick. I'm not 'fixed' now. I have just reminded myself that on a deep deep level I'm not broken. There is a calm inner me which I can tap into simply by choosing to focus on my senses and the exquisite nowness of this moment.

I do hope someone will remind me to do this again next time I'm panicking and driving myself round the bend with panic. Talking and crying and sleeping are all good. But sitting and meditating... that's the stuff!

With love x

Church bells

I'm sitting in my garden in the sunshine, being reminded that there's a whole universe outside of my head.

It's spring today. It's warm enough to sit out without a coat and I can feel a change in the air.

The birds have been singing resolutely all winter but it sounds like it's less effort today. You know that feeling that you're so relaxed you can't quite find the energy to move? When you're so chilled out that lying down feels...

Wow. Church bells. Really loud and clear. I can see the spire from my little seat in the sun, over the tops of fences and a row of terraced houses. It's red brick but with a lovely old stone spire. You wouldn't quite expect that in South East London. I'm not a Christian but it feels somehow reassuring to have the symbol of the church standing steady nearby and tolling midday the same way it probably did a hundred years ago.

Bells are such a beautiful sound. They cut through everything else. They cut through my thoughts well enough and I can't be bothered to go back and find the train.

Ah hello birds. Perhaps if you're singing away there is some hope? Perhaps if spring has battled its way through the impossible cold, I can find my way to a fresh start too?

But then I'm reminded that spring doesn't battle. It is the natural order of things. Spring follows winter. Even when the winter has been hellishly long and miserable, as this one has definitely been, spring still makes its way through. The winter, however stubborn it may be, does eventually give way to the light and the green.

More church bells. :)

I'm not a Muslim either but I can totally understand the value of having a regular call to prayer. These church bells are acting for me right now as a sort of non-denominational reminder to come back to simplicity, to stillness, to myself.

God and I have kind of fallen out lately. I think He/She was hibernating.

Mostly I don't feel like I have much to be grateful for these days. Actually, that's not true. The trouble isn't that I have nothing to be grateful for, the trouble is that I've been so ill that I can't find that gratitude.

But in this moment all I can say is that I'm so grateful that it's spring. And I'm grateful that I'm still here to see it in. And I'm grateful that, despite everything that's going on, I still have hope. Something in me won't give up on me and perhaps, in all honesty, I thank God for that.

I'm coming back to myself. Back to the birds. Back to the green of the grass. Back to there at least being an open window and some fresh air blowing in. I wonder what the new tides will bring. I wonder what is migrating in on this spring breeze...

So, if flower blossom and longer days are the natural order, perhaps me getting well is the natural order too. Perhaps I don't need to fight the winter, perhaps I just need to let it pass. Perhaps I don't need to battle for health, perhaps I just need to sit here in the sun and let the bells toll it in.

With love x

Time out

I've made some decisions.

I'm leaving my job and my flat and I'm heading back to my home town

I was lying in bed earlier doing my meditation and I just fell apart. It dawned on me that I'm not actually getting better here. My right knee was sore just lying there, and when I tried to soothingly stretch my stiff neck, I felt like my throat was going to collapse.

How many times do you think you need to sit and sob before you have to call it quits? Some would say once is enough I'm sure. I've lost count now.

At just the right moment one of my best friends dropped me a message. She lives on the other side of the world so she's awake while everyone here is sleeping. And I told her what was going on. I told her that I couldn't cope. That I was drowning and I needed out of my current life situation to devote my time and energy to me getting well, both mentally and physically.

So I cried while we chatted online. I cried so hard I couldn't see the text on the screen. But she started to make sense and I realised that I do have a way out of this mess.

I've never been afraid to put in the 'work'. I know I need to crack this anxiety thing with meditation and nutrition and yoga and massages. But I also know that none of those things are possible while I'm in such a state of intense stress that I can't even find the energy or headspace to do that.

More than anything else I need to crack this anxiety thing with friends and family and fun and laughter and a sense of perspective.

I can't be in London any more. I can't be in this flat with people who - whilst lovely - aren't close friends and shouldn't have to deal with my shit. And I can't be in this place so far from my nearest and dearest and all the parts of my life that make sense to me.

I'm loathed to leave my job. It's a good job. I enjoy it, mostly. It looks good on my CV and I take pride in the fact that I've built it up into something much greater than it started out. I've learnt a lot. But let's be honest, it isn't and never was the dream. So why am I clinging to it? Ok, I need the money. Or rather, I need money. I need to be able to pay rent and live and do all the usual human things like eat!

Why have I started arguing with myself about this?!

Once I'd started to get my head round actually leaving, I felt so much better. And now I feel better I'm wondering why I'm leaving a good job, a nice flat and a fabulous city? Honestly, I'm like a goldfish! Just a hour or so ago I was beyond help, inconsolable. Now I feel fine and I think I should just get up and carry on as if nothing happened! If it wasn't so worrying I'd laugh. Sod it, I'll laugh anyway. Really, I am such a numpty sometimes.

It's a matter of priorities. I'm not well. I'm not physically well and I'm not mentally well. And I have to make that my priority. My only priority. I could probably get well here in my current living/working situ. But so far it's proved incredibly difficult. And, in order to make a go of that, I've given up everything I love. I'm not going out, not seeing friends, not dancing; not doing anything but working, eating, sleeping (on good nights) and worrying.

Enough, as they too commonly say without meaning it, is enough.

Time to move on. Or, at least, it's time for a time out.

I feel like it's ridiculous. I should be able to cope. And why would I leave any amazing city like this? Well, when was the last time I made the most of it? (Cue deathly silence). Why would I leave a fantastic job? Well, is it what I really want to do? (Tumbleweed). And most importantly, why would I think ANY of these things matter over my health?

I'm not sure what else there is to say.

So, I'm in two minds about this plan. But then, two minds is an improvement on most of my internal conversations which involve at least four bickering participants!

Who knows. I'll take a few days to mull it over. To knock on some doors, have some conversations and see what feels right. See what makes it's way to the surface and bobs there unhindered.

I think it might be an interesting few months.

With love x

Doing nothing is not rest

I've been off work today again. Stupid body.

So I've been resting. Apparently.

I've learnt my lesson about not rushing around and I've learnt my lesson about not lifting heavy objects with bad knees.

But, despite all the support, knowledge and sense in the world, I have been unable to learn the lesson of not sitting hunched over a laptop all day getting fuck all actually done and not even relaxing.

I was supposed to sleep, meditate, do some stretching, chill out, read a book, take care of myself.

Ok so I've balanced some accounts, paid some bills and resynced my iPhone but that's not resting. That faffing.

So, 930pm and it's time to stop faffing. It's time to turn the God-forsaken laptop off and dare to do the same with the phone and actually STOP.

Goodness sake, Jules. You've had a stiff neck all day. When will you learn?!

Oh, and of course beating myself up like this about not resting is really beneficial I know... dumb ass! Lol.

With love x

Stop, look, listen, breathe

Often in life it seems that we don't get what we want.

But I am learning that, if you pay attention, you are getting what you need.

I want to be out dancing tonight. More than anything I want to be on that dancefloor with some of my favourite people, moving to some awesome music and having the night of my life.

Instead I'm at home on my own nursing two sore knees and a cold.

I could be seriously pissed off. Miraculously I'm not. I can handle a night off. 

What I'm finding more difficult is not to be scared... thoughts like 'what if I never dance again?' or at least 'what if I can't dance for months?' or 'what if I'm just making it worse, even sitting here?' have filled my head time after time today.

Dancing is my greatest passion these days. It's one of the things I love most in this world. So not to be able to dance is torture.

But with this my fourth significant health setback in as many months, I'm starting to pay better attention and I'm starting to see things differently.

There something very magical about not being allowed to dance at the moment, and if I stop just long enough I can catch a glimpse of it...

Sitting still like this on a Saturday night begs interesting questions. Questions like 'who am I without dancing?', 'who am I without my passions?', 'what is perfect about this moment?'. 'what is the value of this time out?', 'what could be more amazing in this moment than any dance I could be having?', 'what if this is exactly how it is supposed to be?'

I don't have answers. I feel that answers perhaps aren't the point.

Questions aren't really where it's at either. It's more of an invitation.

An invitation... what a lovely word. No pressure, no demand. Simply an expression of wanting to be with someone. To share time, company, an occasion... 'We would love it if you could come...'

Well, I am being invited by my body to come hang out for a bit. My mind is bidding me sit a while and chill. I'm not sure why except that perhaps it's missed me. It has been a long while!

So - and this is no small thing - I'm turning up. I'm making room. Making space for myself.

I had an amazing Skype chat last night with my yoga guru Debbie. She's going to guide me through these meditation practices (Yoga Nidra and Antar Mouna) to help me heal the crap I've been going through mentally - which I know will help heal all the physical crap as well, along with other geniuses like the physio I've been recommended.

In typical me fashion, I can't wait to get started. I'm chomping at the bit. I want to dive in head first. I know there's tonnes of deep cleansing, soul-searching, mending, healing to be done... and I want it done now please so I can get on with 'my life'.

Hilarious, crazy girl I am! I was hating my life. I was miserable, barely coping, ill, knackered, lonely, lost, confused... why am I in a hurry to get back there?!

No. This isn't the interlude, this is the life I have been running from, hiding from for too long. 

I know wonderful things await. I know they do. I can feel in my heart, my soul is doing somersaults about this stuff... I know where I'm headed. And I can't wait. But I know fighting, running, pleading are not where it's at. I've tried that. I can't get to this all at once. This isn't a pill. This is the Promised Land.

And the Promised Land isn't a place we journey to, but place we wake up to. 

In order to wake up, first I must learn to sleep. And sleep isn't something we grasp at. I mean, you're supposed to count the sheep, not run at the flock!

No, sleep comes once we let go. It invites us, and awaits us, but we have to show up and be prepared to let it take us where it wants to go. We release control; release the knowledge, comprehension and even memory of where we're going. Sleep comes and embraces us and takes us on a journey. Who will we be on the other side? No one knows.

So, I am making room for sleep in my life. For rest, for relaxation. That is it for now. That's all.

The Promised Land can wait. 

Right now this is me inviting me in. And me choosing to show up and stay awhile.

With love x

Home alone

So I was putting a pan on the hob to cook some salmon and, when I lit the gas, it went boom. Only a little boom, but a boom none the less, and it freaked me out. So I turned the gas off, called my Dad and asked him what was going on. Nothing, he informed me. Now turn the hob on again and find out. So I did, and it was fine.

Pathetic, I thought. Phoning home just because some little kitchen thing freaked me out. Again. How old am I?!

I asked my Dad. 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I handle this stuff? Surely I should be able to do this already? I feel like a four year old.'

And his answer was very simple. 'You can do all this stuff. You're just re-learning it again a different way because you're on you own.'

I'd like to say the answer hit me between the eyes but really, the revelation followed a lot more gradually. Later in the day I knew I needed to do something to relax before bed in the hope of getting some sleep tonight PLEASE. 

So I turned my laptop off and I put my phone on airplane mode. No one can contact me. I can't contact anyone. My housemates are all out. I am alone.

And it hit me then, in the silence without music, the tapping of keys or the constant checking of my mobile, that I am alone. And this is something I am not good at.

When I was 20 I slept in a house on my own for the first time. I was 20.

I grew up with three sisters in a house where we all shared rooms and I didn't sleep without someone else in my breathing space until I was in my teens. Which is not that unusual in big families or, at least in small houses. 

But I was 20 before I slept on my own somewhere. 

It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I was so scared. My boyfriend at the time left me there and I locked all the doors, inside and out, and took myself to the refuge of my bedroom. Thank God I didn't need the toilet in the night or I'm not sure I would have managed to unbolt myself from my room to go downstairs to the bathroom. 

I'm rubbish at being on my own. 

And it's not just physically on my own, it's emotionally on my own too. I realise the more I think about this and let the revelations form, I am always asking other people what they think. I am always checking around me to see if it's ok, if I'm ok, if what I'm doing, saying, being, thinking, feeling is ok. Who am I without the bodies and voices and minds of the people in my daily life?

It freaks me out now just sitting here. All these anxieties come to me and my first instinct is to call someone and say 'I'm scared!' because I know that will make me feel better momentarily.

But what if I sit with it. What if I sit with myself. What if I see who I am on my own in the face of all this? 

I feel about four-years-old. And it scares me. I feel like I'm a little kid and I'm growing up for the very first time and starting to realise my place in the world is unique and separate and I have control of what happens in it.

Holy crap!! 

Exciting and terrifying. It's looking in that mirror and it just being me. And for me to be a full, vibrant, confident, excited person - not a vacant, scared little thing wishing someone would come and stand in the mirror and fill up the picture of me from the other side. I need to fill up the picture. I need to make it happen. 

I haven't got the faintest clue where to start. I just know that I need to explore this. I need to play with it. 

I want to feel safe on my own first off. And I'd like to feel confident, excited, settled, happy, peaceful all by myself too.

I'd like to make decisions without even thinking of consulting someone else. I'd like to leave the house without my mobile and not even notice. I'd like to spend a night alone because I love my own company, not because I have no other plans or even because I am poorly and need to rest - but because I actually feel like some Jules-time.

I want to make the ripples rather than hanging onto the sides of my boat and trying desperately to stay afloat while I ride other people's waves.

Right now I'm going with simply keeping my phone and internet switched off until morning.

What am I missing? Who knows. Can I do without everyone? I don't know.

But tonight the rest of the world is going to have to do without me. I hope they can cope!

With love x

Reflections

Speaking of bad habits… I’ve been dating this guy.

Well, we were going out until about six weeks ago, and now we’re not.

The decision to break up was mutual. Despite the fact that I love him, (not that I’ve told him this) he was making me crazy (I haven’t told him that either).

His reasons for breaking up were rather different from mine on the surface but, in real terms, I think they were about the same.

As this blog is testimony, I have some shit to deal with. My head is all over the place and I think it’s becoming clear now that my body is too. I have fallen into all sorts of habits of thinking and being that really don’t serve me in any positive way.

And, whilst he wasn’t the cause of any of it, he really didn’t help. He’s no good for me.

Actually, that’s not strictly true. When I’m in a good place in myself and he’s in a good place in himself, it’s wonderful and magical. The rest of the time (about 70%) it’s just plain hard work.

That’s not his fault. It’s not my fault. It’s just what happens when you meet a mirror.

Despite his failings and his weaknesses I really haven’t got a bad word to say about this man.  I care deeply about him.  And I imagine he’s doing the best he can right now. So I’m cutting him some slack, basically on account of being human. (Perhaps I should extend myself the same courtesy?!)

He is my mirror. He’s a perfect reflection of the inner me: my passion and my insecurity; my faith and my anxiety. All the things I hide from myself and the world on a daily basis, he reflects back at me with alarming clarity.

Whilst this is a brilliant lesson, it’s not exactly a lifestyle choice!

So I can’t be with him. Well, not right now.

He knows this. He knows he’s not good for me. And I know he cares deeply about me too. He just has a better self-preservation instinct than me; or better will-power or something.

In order to be with me and make a real relationship work, he’s got demons to fight. But he tells me he’s not up to that battle right now. I know how he feels and to be honest I don’t blame him. Except that it feels mostly like he just isn’t up to fighting for me; and that hurts more than I could find words to tell him.

Anyway, so I’m single. Smitten but single.

Where’s that silver lining? I knew it was around here somewhere.

That’s right, he was making me crazy. Or at least, he was shining a spotlight on my craziness. Well now he’s switched that off I feel better. Do I?

Actually I feel like crap.

I don’t miss him magnifying my insecurity and my anxiety. But I do miss him highlighting my passion and my faith.

I miss him. But I know it’s for the best.

I need to focus on me. I need to do everything I can right now to get myself back on an even keel.

I’m sitting in bed at 4am, unable to relax, rest or sleep. I feel tense, permanently distracted, exhausted and hyperactive all together.

The man is gone but the craziness remains. He was one bad habit I needed to give up. Now I need to look at the others.

I’m so done with being single. I’m so bored with focusing on me. But that’s what I need to do. I need to be able to look into the mirror and like what I see when it’s just me looking back.

With love x